she is her

Mother’s Day approaches, people as far as the East is from the West are busy ordering flower arrangements, planning surprise breakfasts in bed, and coordinating dinner plans, all in an effort to honor their moms. For those who’ve lost a mother or a mother figure, like me, the holiday can feel bittersweet. Also, being a mother, who has lost a child, takes on a story of its own. Happy Mother’s Day from My Little Corner (MLC)

She is HER!

Surrendering herself, her body, her all, not knowing the outcome.

She first became an incubator and experienced a spontaneous loss before the 20th week that became both physically and emotionally painful.

She suffered in silence after the tragedy remained private, grieved by herself hoping that the sadness would grow less pronounced over time, anticipating the chance to do it all again, but this time it would be successful.

She became your incubator, for 9 months. You were curled up inside, snug as a bug in a rug. Before you could smell, taste, or see, you could hear, and you were already developing a sense of touch and the sound of her voice. As you grew inside of her, she would poke one side, then the other, and watch you poke back.

She woke many mornings realizing that foods she once loved no longer agreed with her. The smell of them made her nauseas. Finding herself collapsing in front of the commode hurling until she was dry heaving, embracing the cold porcelain. She would swoop her hair to one side and swirled it around her hand, clasping into a fist securing every strand. Using a towel as a blanket covering herself as she stretched out on the cold linoleum floor. Eventually reaching for a warm washcloth to wipe her face.

She would begin to crave pickles and ice cream. Cheese Whiz on steak. cake mix — straight from the bowl. While these may not exactly seem like gourmet fare, to her it was like heaven on a plate.

She noticed a posture change, with the increase in her weight throwing her body off balance. Her abdominal muscles stretching, and her bones slowly moving into slightly different positions throughout her body.

She woke up and out-of-the-blue begins scrubbing the floors, decorating your room, and packing her hospital bag, she knew you would be coming soon.

She knew what to expect after nine months. She knew her due date was growing near, and that she would come home 15 pounds lighter with a new addition to the family. In her head she ideally knew how she liked it to go down yet realizing that things rarely go exactly as planned. She knew it would be a labor of love.

She was informed it would come in three phases: early labor, active labor, and transitional labor. And because she was expecting to deliver vaginally, she would experience all three. The timing and the intensity of the contractions were the alarm of each stage. She would receive periodic exams confirming her progress. As she pushed, she became fully dilated, trying to catch a break every few minutes while her uterus did most of the work for your journey down the birth canal. The last 2 to 3 cm of dilation was the most demanding and intense phase of labor, but it was the shortest, she felt the “ring of fire” a tingling feeling she felt as you crowned. She knew the worst was over, and more aware that she was in the final stage. She continued to have mild contractions and then she delivered you.

She knew instantly she had become the most important person in your world. She took time to snuggle and bond with you. She spoke as you recognized her voice. When you cried, she responded. When you were hungry, she fed you. When you were dirty, she changed you. She had become the servant to a 7-pound blessing. She accepted that her world had changed overnight, but now she felt like a robot on steroids. She slept. She fed. She rocked. She burped. She changed.

Leaving the hospital, she felt unprepared to be left alone. She wasn’t prepared for motherhood as much as she thought. Your dad was present-but was absent 80 percent of the time. Someone had to work. She begins to feel alone and overwhelmed. She didn’t know how much a baby would affect the world she once knew, and she knew there was no turning back.

She made it through the early days with prayer and meditation. As you grew a little older, things became easier. She begins to fall into her role as mother and embraced it. That’s when things begin to change. She discovered unconditional love and her purpose in life. She saw how you looked to her for guidance and direction. She soon realized she was learning from you as much as you were learning from her.

She grew with every year of birth celebrated. She knew she wanted to protect, love, guide, and support you in every way possible. She only wanted to be the best for you because she knew you were watching. She knew that feeling would never disappear. You introduced her to true worry and concern when you begin to drive, graduate, and go off to school. She thought you no longer needed her. She came to love you intensely. She found in you what really matters in life.

She shaped the person you have become and that will forever be one of her greatest accomplishments in life. She is the one that would die for you, the one who wants the best for you.


Rachelle Law

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